Merry Christmas!

Man! You guys look great on my new 19"LCD monitor! Merry Christmas to me!

We've been on the road, met Charlie in Dallas. Visited with my Dad and Stepmom. Made a quick dash to Canton to visit with Mom and pick up a new bed for John. Got to go out to eat with Charlie one night sans kids and had a wonderful steak at the FourWinds Steakhouse. (Two thumbs up if you're ever between Dallas and Canton and just feel like stopping in the middle of nowhere for a fine dining experience. Back to Dad's for a pre-Christmas gift exchange with my brothers family, then back home on Saturday. John's birthday was yesterday and then here it is Christmas day. Whew...

Peach barfed in the new car (if it's three months old, can I still call it new?) about Huntsville. You should have seen the kids bail out when I pulled over. Not that I blame them. I don't do vomit. I can do poop all day long, but not vomit. Never underestimate the intestinal fortitude required to be a Mom. "Dude, DON'T! Because if you hurl, I'm totally gonna blow chunks." It just doesn't sound the same when you're talking to the five year old. Ace and Melee' had run fever and been sick in general over a week ago, but just when I thought it was going to miss the rest of us, the Black Plague landed. Well, maybe just a couple of really bad head colds and a little bit of car sickness. Keeping the holidays challenging.

Santa was very good to us and I hope he was very good to you all! Merry Merry! God Bless! And a Happy New Year!

Our Lady of the Weeds

I'm not sure why Mary looks so glum. Maybe it was that long donkey ride up the isle to the stage. Joseph looks a little shell-shocked too. That's what that first baby will do for you.

I guess they had a little stage fright. It didn't take them long to warm up, but by the time they did, I was busy shooting video and didn't take anymore pictures. She was sooo cute! You can't see her little pink sash and she played with her head covering for most of the program. They sang a lot of cute songs and Chili, they did a handbell song and I teared up a little!

All the classes sang some songs, and they even took the babies on stage (there were three of them) and they had whiskers drawn on their faces. Their teachers danced them around to the Meowing version of Jingle Bells. It was hilarious! I felt like I had died and gone to "Christmas Program Heaven"!

So Busy I'm Paralyzed

I should be posting. I should be vacuuming. I should be wrapping presents. Or at least taking an inventory of presents. Or at least seperating the presents so that I could inventory them. Or at least making an effort to hide them in the back of my closet so the kids won't find them.

On the plus side, I have made some cookies. And I'm working frantically to get ya'll your Christmas cards out before Christmas. If they come with only my signature on them, it's not that the others don't love you, it's that I got tired of trying to talk them into showing their love with a hand signed card.

Kicking His Butt up the Ladder of Success Since 1989

Guess who was named employee of the year?

I know, I can't remember his name either. That's what happens when you go galavanting around the country saving the bacon of Branch Managers everywhere. Implementing ways to save money so that they can line their pockets with a few more hunskies.

Oh, I complain, but I know it's hard on him too. Wondering if the next kid we have is gonna look like the postman. His first reaction to the kindess of our benefactor the other night was to ask if I had my hand on his knee or if I had let him put his hand on mine. But let's be frank, I'm too darned tired to wonder about what the postman's packing or to solicit free sushi.

So without further adieu, "For he's a Jolly good fellow, for he's a Jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good feeeeellooooooow, even though no one remember's his name...."

The Kindness of Strangers

Tonight, my brother- in- law wanted to celebrate the purchase of his new car by taking us out to eat at a Japanese steakhouse. We happily agreed, he must have gotten a great deal on that Mazda! I did a very quick once over of the kids, made a couple of them change in to more respectable clothes and we were off.

Once we arrived at the restaurant, Charlie pulled the boys aside to give them the lecture about not chewing with their mouths open and using utensils instead of their hands. Then went through the lecture about not ordering the most expensive item on the menu. It was not crowded and we were seated right away. As we walked across the room, I was dismayed to find that she was going to seat us with a couple who was already seated. Crap! Now there would be witnesses to my kids lack of manners. Plus now I've got to pretend I'm not shy and make small talk with strangers. But I didn't hesitate to take the seat next to the gentleman as I did not want any of my kids sitting next to him.

The kids were almost angelic tonight and the conversation easy. The food was delicious and we talked about schools and found we lived in a neighborhood right next to where he had lived in his first home here in the Houston area. They had played an afternoon of golf, and I talked to the woman about her dog and spoiled dogs in general. He let Ace open his chopsticks and I was momentarily horrified as I realized I had not checked his fingernails before we headed out the door. The gentleman acted as if he never noticed a thing and continued trying to overcome Ace's shy act. It was a lovely evening and as the kids were finishing up their ice cream they wished us a Merry Christmas and headed home.

As we hurried the kids to finish up, the waitress came over and told us that the man sitting with us, had paid for our meal. They paid in cash so we were unable to find out their name or to say thank you.

Merry Christmas indeed. Our blessings are many and our hope is to be a blessing to others during Christmas and always.

Adding Injury to Insult

When the family was here over Thanksgiving, we did a gag gift exchange. I made a big play for this Kurt Cobain lunch box which I think is a hoot! I'm thinking about carrying it as a purse. I could keep my driver's license and change in the autographed thermos.
Well the other morning as I sat here at the computer, Peach came over, looked thoughtfully at the lunchbox and said "Mommy, why are you smoking?"

And then the other day as I was mangling the lyrics to Fergilicious to my liking, John said "Yeah! More like Flabalicious." After looking at my face, he followed it with a quick kiss and a "Just kidding mom." But I was still left to pull the knife out of my back all by myself and wipe it clean on my greasy hair.

My Musical Peeps

My kids are quite musical, they get it from Charlie's side of the family.

Melee' can play Journey's Faithfully on the piano. Never had ONE lesson!

John of course is our resident Viola player, whose speci-ality is learning and playing things by ear, which drives me crazy, cuz when it comes time to play the super simple pieces he's assigned by his teacher, he rarely gets it right unless teacher plays it for him first.

But it doesn't stop there, Oh NO!

Ace likes to express himself musically as well...when you make him happy he responds..

eg. "Momma, can I have some chockit meeeaaalk?"
"Sure."
"Dahn-dahn che! Dahn-dahn che! Dahn-dahn che!"

and if it's really special he responds with Smoke on the Water...

eg. "Can we watch Yightening Da-Queen?"
"Sure."
"Dah-dah-daah, dah-dah DAAH dah, dah-dah-daah, DAHN DAHN!"

And Peach made up this little ditty this morning...
"AAAH-ohhh, just shut the door, AAAHH-ooohhh just shut the door."
And she can tell me which lady sings which part. A little musical theatre perhaps.

It's a hard life for those of us who are musically impaired.

It is my GREATEST Wish...

But can a person be Fergilicious while enjoying a diet rich in Ice Cream products?

I write the Songs that make the Whole World Sing...

Can anyone give me some advice on a five year old and a three year old who think they own songs, and by virtue of their ownership can say who can and cannot sing them?

They just had a knock-down drag-out over which one of them was the true owner and therefore singer of the theme song for "Little Einsteins". It started with her singing the ditty at the top of her lungs as she can outsing him, due to her opera-like range, at which point he had to resort to picking up the heaviest object he could find and hurling it at her.

Is it possible to make up a rule about this? I thought I was already reaching new heights of ridiculousness when I started having to keep track of whose turn it was to use the remote control to open and close the garage door. (And yes that includes the ten and twelve year old.)

Oh and the newest rule of the day...from Peach,
"Ace, we never put the little potty on our heads. It gets stuck and it's really for babies to learn how to use the big potty."

I know. It's a little out there, but evidently, necessary.

Thanksgiving Day with the In-laws...

Could this be the reason that I'm dead-ass last in the Bragging Rights football league? While it would be a major contributor, I suppose you do need to watch some football to know about some football, it doesn't explain the reason I'm the only person in double-digits in the loss column. I'm gonna blame the whole thing on Ben Roethlisberger and Mike Vanderjagt, I finally gave up on Ben and cut him and now he's scoring points for my neice while I sit with back-up quarterbacks and hoping the first-stringers get taken out at the knees. It's not a fun way to root for a team. And even though I thought I had a pretty good defense, Philadelphia netted me NEGATIVE POINTS this week. Edgerrin James too. Charlie has moved from last place position up four places, leaving me in the dirt. Cry Babies was an appropriate choice for my team name.

Some Final Thoughts....

I'm gonna share the joy people...

Toll House Pie

2 eggs
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar
1 cup butter, melted and cooled to room temperature
1 cup (6 oz.) Nestle' Toll House semi-sweet morsels
1 9-inch unbaked pie shell (deep dish)
Whipped cream or Ice cream optional (but key)

Preheat oven to 325*F. In large bowl, beat eggs until foamy. Add flour, sugar and brown sugar, beat until well blended. Blend in melted butter. Stir in melted butter. Stir in Nestle' Toll House semi-sweet chocolate chips. Pour into pie shell. Bake at 325* for 1 hour. Serve warm with whipped cream or ice cream if desired.

Now if you never want to make this recipe and instead, rely totally on me to make this for you, once or twice a year.... well a girl needs to feel needed.

Suffice it to say, we had a fabulous time. You know we could always pool our resources and buy a ten acre compound out Northwest of town. Everybody should be easily movable, except maybe Danny, but I figure they probably pay you ridiculous money up there and would probably be happy to offer you an early retirement to make you go away. Plus, we have hospitals down here and I hear the food is Crap! And Carrie, they have schools here in Texas and a few kids still go there, at least that's what I've heard, and we're tropical. Totally tropical. Then I can implement my plan to homeschool my children and turn them into a new musical group ala The Hansons. We'll tour around the State Fair Circut, the boys will be on the front every Teen Magazine and we'll get STINKIN RICH! Of course we always have the Lotto to fall back on.

Seriously. Think about it. We could get started, say, first of the year. Like a New Year's Resolution.

A Holiday Meme

A meme courtesy of Yerdoingitwrong.

• 1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Hot Chocolate. Duh! But I like to have a sip of egg nog every year, cause Mom always had some around at Christmas.
• 2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Just sittin'.
• 3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? I like them both, Charlie likes colored, we do both. We put them on the house once, they may still be there .
• 4. Do you hang mistletoe? I look for the real stuff every year, I need an excuse for my kids to have to kiss me more.
• 5. When do you put your decorations up? Whenever I feel like it! Gosh!
• 6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? My Dad's sausage dressing.
• 7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: I asked for a rabbit fur coat one year and when we got up that morning (our Santa gifts weren't wrapped) I had a stuffed animal rabbit under the tree. After all the presents were opened, my Mom got out the hidden box from under the couch that had the coat in it.
• 8. How and When did you learn the truth about Santa? In third grade some kids were debating it in the recess line, so I went home and asked my Mom and she told me the truth. I ran off crying "You should have told me a lie!" (I'm sensitive like that..)
• 9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? If the kids beg, I make sure I have new pajamas wrapped, so they look acceptable for x-mas pics.
• 10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? Mostly with decorations the kids made every year in Mother's day out and some old popsicle sticks we had when I was a kid. (I think I need some new ornaments.)
• 11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it, but then again, I live in Houston and I don't have to drive in it anymore.
• 12. Can you ice skate? No. I used to be afraid of embarrassment, now I'm afraid of gravity.
• 13. Do you remember your favorite gift? When I was a kid, it was a rabbit fur coat. The first year Charlie and I were together he suprised me with a ski-trip. The best gift I ever got!
• 14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? All of it, being with the family, reminding the kids what Christmas is really about, driving around looking at Christmas lights......
• 15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Chocolate Pie, Duh!
• 16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Christmas Cards.
• 17. What tops your tree? We have a star and an angel, John always wants the angel.
• 18. Which do you prefer giving or Receiving? Giving, but I never say no to a gift!
• 19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? All of them, and I like to sing them loudly like, "HARK THE HEARALD ANGELS SING, GLORY TO THE NEW BORN KING!"

Thankful for...

a quiet house and perhaps a chick flick while all my houseguests and family are at my brother-in-laws having an old fashioned sing along.

Why am I here, and not there?

Can't sing. Oh, I can carry a tune, I just can't unload it. I'm the only person I know who has small children that will not allow me to sing them a lullabye. I was singing "Life is a Highway" yesterday and Ace said "NO! That's not your song. It's the MOOvie's."

Oh well. The little people are getting a good night's sleep and so will I! Tomorrow we're doing a gag gift exchange since we won't all be together at Christmas. And the food this week?

I'm so thankful for good food...and good company!

Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handy

I mean, Peach

"I AM! I'm thinking so hard I can't get all my thinks out!"

"Do you know what shoot means? It means darn it."

What are the Odds?

The blue Wednesday folder made a sickening thud as I flung it onto the counter. I slowly flipped back through the mounting evidence. Seventy-six "Check your work", seventy, seventy, sixty-eight, there was a spattering of eighties tucked in between the c's and d's but clearly, they were the exception. Before I could open my mouth, he whined "She wrote all over my folder because of one paper!".

The day for a conference had finally arrived. "Melee', you're so grounded!"
"I KNOW! I KNOW! From what?"
"Everything..."
"Sigh."

As I pulled my tiny person chair up to the knee high table across from teacher, she asked "How's my big boy doing? What grade is he in now?"

What was I going to say? That I'd spent the previous evening sitting on top of him as I oversaw the first half of the Time Capsule assignment that he'd had two months to work on, but instead had waited until two days before the due date to get started? That, had I not had to go in and talk to his teacher about another unrelated item, I wouldn't have even known the project was due?

"He's fine. I still have to stay on top of him. But I'm not used to having to stay on top of this one!"

After a short lecture on the importance of good writing skills and discovering several important items that Melee' had conveniently forgotten to fill me in on, I left the building thinking that I'm probably not writing at a fourth grade level. The planning, the rough draft, the revision, the editing, the rich wording were all more work than I wanted to do. And I like writing. For the last month he was supposed to have been writing in a daily journal at home on nights when he doesn't have composition work. As far as I knew, he never had composition homework and I'd never heard of this home journal. To which he responded, "Well, I didn't have one."
"Well, how can I get you one, if you don't tell me you need one?"

Aye, there's the rub...

I've got one who wouldn't open his mouth in class if his life depended on it, but can't get his work done because his brain is never in the same room with him. And I've got another one who can't get his work done because he can't keep his mouth shut.

Third times the charm, right? My money's on the girl.

Mommy's Tired

Am I the only person that thinks that harness outfit that Joan Crawford used to keep her kids in bed, is a great idea?

To all who are coming at Thanksgiving, bring an extra bag. I might be giving away a forty-five pound party favor.

I could really use a nap.

The Parakeet Takes a Dive

Well, it happened. Last Sunday afternoon at about 3:25 my Faith Formation teacher called and said "I'm so sorry, but I'm not going to be able to make it tonight. Do you think you can handle the class?"

"Sure!" I said. "No problem!" I said. "Don't even worry about it, just get to feeling better."

I hung up the phone, turned to Peach and said "We're done shopping honey, gotta hurry home, Momma's gotta study."

"Why?" she asked.

"Momma's gotta be the teacher tonight."

"Not the teacher-helper?"

Worried? What me worry? Nah! Facing between fourteen and eighteen semi-pro teenagers whose parents have forced them to come to Faith Formation on a Sunday evening when they could be home chatting on their cell phones?

"Honey, grab two of those Jumbo bags of M & M's. No the GREAT big ones! That's a good girl."

Got home to find that I had forgotten to get my lesson plan for this week's lesson from Elizabeth before I left class last week. Called Marie, made arrangements to be there 45 minutes early so I could prepare myself for class.

The rest of the evening?

Crickets chirping......

Three more things I should have said to the Steam-Express guy...

"Oh! Be careful of the dog in the back yard, she bites. "

"I know, she seems really friendly, what with the licking and tail wagging, but seriously, if you try to open the gate latch, she'll take your arm off at the shoulder."

"Em-hm. We're still paying off a settlement with the meter-reader, so I'll have to pass on the pre-treat."

A Letter From Home

Dear Charlie,

I have a confession to make. The guy from Steam Clean came Monday and cleaned my ductwork, if you know what I mean. I've made a mistake, and I wish it didn't have to be this way. I mean, I'm not totally naive. I knew when I called that there was no way I was going to get out of the deal for $89.99, coupon or not. There was mold on the air vents, we both knew it was going to be bad, but I thought I could control myself. I thought, I'll pay a couple a hundred extra for the heavy duty sanitizer and have three rooms of carpet cleaned for "free". And when he said it was just $66.00 extra to pretreat it... well there was four years of chocolate and vomit on those carpets for god's sake! We have company coming for Thanksgiving, and the cleaning itself was free...right? The next thing I know I'm having every room in the house done, I've paid extra for scotch guard and he's got me standing at the kitchen sink cleaning my own vent covers to "save" myself $150 and he's telling me "You better show your apprectiation!" and showing me where I can add a tip.

Couldn't I just tell people you'll beat me if I say yes? It would be so much easier if I could say "Pretreat? Oh...I don't think so... (pregnant pause) They say his first wife had her carpets pretreated once. Nobody ever heard from her again. His family says she's living in Mexico....but...no I think I better not have it pretreated." Then when he starts asking questions like "So, what does your husband do? What time does he get home?" I could say "Oh, it's fight night. He usually makes it to one of the final rounds, he'll be home pretty late." and then "No, no...not boxing. Cage fights." That would save me from rearranging all three cars every night so that it looks like we're all home. I haven't slept for two nights. By the time you get home, the dog will be sleeping in your spot. Could you just, like, work from home and never go anywhere again for the rest of your life? That would sure take the pressure off.

Love you babe!

p.s. Did I mention the kids broke the window that you and your brother replaced last Thanksgiving?

Hurry home!

PPS. Melee' hit a home run tonight. You'll need two sheets of glass this year.

Halloween Open House

Welcome to my Halloween Open House, courtesy of Chilihead at Don't Try This at Home.

This is our front door. (Walmart $4.99)












These are in the flower beds. Yes, flowers in October. Houston Tx Baby! Gotta love it!

(Walmart $1.99)

A picture of the lampost.
(Michael's skeleton kit $3.99)

But the scariest pictures I have to show you for Halloween are these pictures of Charlie pulling down the long ignored vines off the roof and sides of the house.

(Husband doing his chores, PRICELESS!)

HAPPY HALLOWEEN YA'LL!

Love is Blind...

Love is blind, you've heard it a thousand times and when it comes to your kids, well it's a doozy. Sure, everybody thinks their kid is the cutest one in the room, I'm no exception. But I realize it's just the way I'm seeing things. Well, you know what love did to me today? It let me send my adorable little four year old to preschool with a long-haired Guinea Pig on her head.


Look at that thing! Not only did love let me send her wearing a Burt Reynolds hairpiece castoff, but love told me she was the most Beautiful Belle at the Ball, Disney or otherwise!

Ain't Love Grand?

Visit Chookooloonks for more Thursday's Love is...even though it's Friday.

HELP....

...I've done half a Pilates workout AND I CAN'T GET UP!

How's This for a Reality Show?

Monday morning I get up with a plan. Dentist appointment for me at 10:00. My sister-in-law is going to meet me at the Mother's Day Out at 9:30 so she can watch Ace for me. That was the plan.

This is the reality.

We get up at 7:00 and get ready for our Walkies on DVD, the boys trickle down by 15 or 20 after and miss the first half mile. Melee' sits down and has his "healthy" breakfast of a Cookies and Cream Quaker Chewy Granola bar (key words Granola Bar) and a light Vanilla Yogurt. I'm putting together John and Peaches lunches, Zoey comes in with her mom and we visit for a minute, firm up plans for the dentist and Zoey and Melee' take off on their bikes for school. Zoey's mom heads home for a shower and I begin hounding John to hurry and comb his hair and brush his teeth. Meanwhile, I start slicing potatoes for the Au Gratin potatoes I'm taking over to their house for Monday night football.

At 8:25 Melee' calls.
"Mom, um, I was sitting in the cafeteria and someone spilled their milk and cereal all over me and I need some new clothes."
"Uh. ** Well. ** Um. Okay, I've got to get Peach and Ace dressed and I 'll be there in about ten minutes."
I get John out to the bus at 8:27 and haul upstairs to cloth and shoe the Littles. I'll have to take them into the building so Peach's hair will have to be dealt with. I get the casserole in the oven, kids dressed, jump in the car and by the time I get around the corner to the school, it occurs to me that Melee' is fibbing. The only way he could have gotten milk and cereal dumped all over him, is if he was eating a second breakfast and spilled it on himself. Do a changeout of clothes, with a small lecture on telling the truth then zip back home to get Peach ready for school.

Do I have any makeup on? Have I brushed my teeth? Oh yeah. Run upstairs, look in the mirror and do damage control. My S-I-L calls and says, why don't I just come on over and then you won't have to run Ace back to the house. "Great!" Put on some mascara, run downstairs and gather Peaches bags. By the time she and I get to Mother's Day Out it's 9:45, fifteen minutes late. I jump back in the car and start to leave the parking lot when S-I-L calls my cell phone and says "Were you expecting the exterminator today?" "Shit! Yes, I'll swing by and leave you a check, Sorry!" Write the check while swinging my 3 ton vehicle around stop signs in the neighborhood and practically fling the check out the window at her as I pass. I look down at my watch and realize there is no way I'm gonna make my appointment on time, so at the next stop light I dig through my purse, find the office number and call to tell them I'm running a little late. "What was your name again?" "Geraldine Fleiss, with an F." "Oh, well honey, your not supposed to be here till next Monday."

Friday Roundup

Stealing His Halloween Thunder

Once in a blue moon, a child and their costume will come together in a way you could not expect until you see the two together....I give you......Mr. IncreBaDle....

Wreaking havoc since August 16th 2003, coming soon to a theater near you.

T Minus 4 Hours and Counting

The countdown to Charlie has begun. Never have I looked forward to a suitcase filled with dirty clothes with such reckless abandon.

Fall Concert.. a Preview

Last night was John's Fall Orchestra Concert. They delivered his new viola yesterday during school. He came home and made us all sit down so he could present the new instrument for us as if we were on the Price Is Right and were going to have to guess the retail value. Now that he's in Non-Varsity, he had to have black slacks and a tuxedo shirt complete with bow tie, to go with the homemade red vest that marks him as a true Orch-dork. Nana and I went as well as Melee' and Zoey, and as we were getting ready to leave John said "Nana, we're not going in your car are we? I've got to be riding in style!" And I said "He's right Mom, go park that dog out on the curb and I'll get out the Suburban." then as we stepped out the door he said "Mom? Did you remember my bouquet?" "Doh!" Alas, it could have been a perfect evening. But then again, I did say I brought two of the kids, didn't I? I took video and I'm hoping to get Charlie to help me upload some of it so I can show you my mad videography skills, plus you'll get to hear me scold children in a hushed Texas accent, that ought to be fun.

He is by far the finest waiter Viola player in the family.

For Whom the Bell Tolls

Melee' gets his first report card today. They are on a nine week schedule, which has been very hard to get used to, but may work to his advantage as he got his first Wednesday folder this week that did NOT have an N for needs improvement for his behavior. Stay tuned.....

Love is....

Reading someone a bedtime story....

















The boys did this because I asked them to, they had all been playing together which is not a common occurance. And despite the fact that they were playing robbers and guns (Oh those big kids are such a bad influence!) I let them have their shootout because Peach and Ace were so thrilled to be included. I have to remember to make John and Melee' do this more often, because even when they protest, it always ends with them being so sweet and kissing and hugging their little brother and sister good-night.

Visit Karen at Chookooloonks to add your link for Thursday's Love Is and check out all kinds of love....

The Height of Vanity

I don't spend a lot of time in front of the mirror. Oh, you know, I get up and brush my teeth and wash the face. I love my Chi, so if weather permits, I straighten my hair, and I get out my assorted makeup accutrements and try to camouflage some of the hormone spots I've accumulated over four pregnancies. But for the most part, once I'm done, I don't much look at myself the rest of the day. However, the other night as I was putting myself together for Faith Formation, I noticed that the way my hair was falling that day, was showing all my gray roots. So I got out a tube of brown mascara and brushed my roots because brown roots look WAY less trashy than gray ones. Eighth graders are an impressionable lot after all, I told myself.

So to save myself any further embarrassment and as there is NOTHING on television tonight, I'm off to "wash" that gray right out of my hair. Before my man gets back on Friday.

An Idiot's Guide to the Lives of the Saints

John and I were in the half-price bookstore the other day and as I was digging around, I found a book for four bucks on the lives of the Saints. I thought, well, since I'm a Parakeet* for eighth graders this year, I might find some interesting facts to share.

After reading half of it, I'm

A. Wondering if I slept through every CCD class I ever attended in High School and

B. Not sleeping well.

They go through a little Catholic background at the beginning and as this book seems to be written in plain english, rather than the usual runaround I have a hard time deciphering, I was somewhat disheartened to learn that the best that I can hope for is to be purified in the flames of purgatory for a thousand years or so before I get to heaven. That's the best case scenario, since I've disqualified myself for Sainthood and the chances for Martyrdom is slim, despite my own opinion. And the stories of the Saints....well, they're out there, you know what I'm saying? From guys who baptized lions, to women who after being tortured in innumerable ways for their faith, remained miraculously alive torture after horrible torture and finally being killed and carried off to heaven by angels. And I'm torn between throwing the book in the trash can or making a pocket size card of the Prayer to Saint Antony, Patron Saint of Excema.

My Uncle wrote to say how proud he is of us, that of all the kids in the family, my family is the only one who is bringing their kids up in the Church instead of going to the Protestant Church down the street, because they have better snacks. I have a suspicion that they may have something more appealing than just the snacks.

This morning in Church as the "Guest Homilist" started speaking and I realized no matter how hard I tried, I was not going to be able to understand him, I almost started to cry. For the last three years we have had a priest from India. And although we loved him right away, it took us at least a year to truly understand him, and just as we learned the rhythm and cadence of his accent, they sent him somewhere else. Our new priest is from somewhere like Vietnam. He says things like "Let us Prays." During his homilies, you can understand each individual word, but they're like a puzzle. You have to rearrange them and try to put the picture of each sentence together as you go. So when the priest from Mexico, who is a missionary in Angola, tried to explain to us the work they do near Rwanda, I was so totally frustrated, I just wanted to walk out. In fact, I did walk out early. I can't remember the last time I did that.

Let's just say I'm not feeling very fired up for tonight's Faith Formation Class. Luckily, this idiot is only in charge of passing out the M & M's.

Whereupon I hang up my apron....

This "healthy" stuff is for the birds.

How do you break the cycle of unhealthy eating? Anybody got a vegetable tip? I've got four kids and I'm down to three vegetables, with corn being on the cusp of being a vegetable anyway and none of the three veggie choices I have are universal within the family.

I grew up just this side of chubby, but once I hit sixth grade and sports, it remained under control through my school years. But I grew up in a family where we never met a vegetable that couldn't be fried. Including spinach. You think I'm lying, but I'm not. We were a family of contridictions, we fried our vegetables, but never ate white bread, only wheat. Had cream gravy with two out of three meals, but no sugar cereal or poptarts. You always had to eat three bites of every thing on your plate, including brussel sprouts (not fried).

Charlie on the other hand, grew up in a family with eight brother and sisters and once the food hit the table, it was gone. He doesn't really understand the concept of left-overs, and "Friday night leftover buffet" ? Forgetaboutit. He reports liver as the only thing he can remember that didn't get eaten. He says you had to be at home when his Mom brought home the groceries, or you didn't have a hope in hell of having a bowl of Frosted Flakes.

So we don't have a firm food policy. As in most things we seem to be navigating on the fly. When Ace and Peach went for their 3 and 4 year old checkups recently, they were both in the 90th percentile for height and the 95th percentile for weight as were Melee' and John at that age.

Mom and I have been trying to crack down and keep the kitchen on lockdown and trying to plan healthier meals, but to be truthful, we might not know what we're doing. This week she's told me I need to get the kids totally off of dairy and that we should cut the carbs. Tonight we planned Pork Roast, baked sweet potatoes and salad. Pork, the other white meat, right? Then when we fixed the kids potatoes I was looking in the cabinet and she said "What are you looking for?" "The cinnimon/sugar." "What for?" "The potatoes." "Well doesn't that negate any good you might be doing?" "Well, what good am I doing if they won't eat it?" "Just put butter and salt and pepper on them." "They won't eat them." Both of us giggling to ourselves.

Melee': "You're not putting those on my plate are you?"
Me: "Yep."
Melee' "How much do I have to eat?"
Me: "I don't know, we'll see."
Peach: "OH! I don't want those on my plate."
Me: "Oh, taste them, they're nice and sweet."
John: "You're not giving me salad are you? You're just wasting it. I'm not going to eat it."
Nana: "Let me just get them all some cottage cheese."
Me: "Isn't that dairy?"
Ace: "I want meeaalk."

Twenty minutes later I put most of what was on their plates down the disposal.

The walks have been really good, but the food? Well, the stress of it just makes me want to eat something.

Exercise in Futility

"I've got a plan." she says. "When I get there, we'll start doing our walkies. We'll get everybody up at 6:00, load up the little ones in the stroller and then everybody will get their exercise and nobody will be late to school."

"Okay Mom, sounds good. I'll wait till you get here so you can tell them all about it."

Day One:

Out of bed we all stumble, groggy and somewhat disagreeable. Dressed, we go out and after a short fight over who will be the holder of the flashlight, we air up the tires on the stroller and off we go.

"John. Quit swinging that flashlight all around. Just point it down on the ground so cars can see us."

More quiet walking, John moves out front hoping to be out of reach of further instructions. Nan matches his pace and offers up lots of optimistic encouragement. "You guys are doing great! Swing those arms now! Get that heart rate up!"
"JOHN. DON'T FLASH THAT RIGHT IN THE EYES OF THE ONCOMING CARS! Melee"! Hurry up, you're falling behind and it's dark, I can't even see you."

The whining begins.

"You're going too fast.. I'm thirsty.. I'm tired.. "
"Here hold on to this stroller strap. You need to stay up with us."
"You're going too fast."
"Melee'! Come on now, you play baseball three days a week and have p.e. at school, you're in better shape than me!"
"It's too early."
"Come ON! Keep walking, that's not a ski rope, I can't pull you."

We let Ace loose for the sprint up the street, where he jogs while I try to keep up with him, pushing Peach as they giggle for the next twelve houses, until some grouchy older brother turns and yells, "I beat you, I beat you." and Ace starts screaming at the top of his lungs, prompting neighbors to peek out their windows to see who is murdering my child.

Day Two:

5:55 a.m. I'm up getting two toddlers dressed and there is much dissension in the ranks. By the time we get out the door, John is so mad he's setting the walking pace at an unattainable level for the rest of us. Melee' has brought his own water bottle and a CD player but his humor has not improved. The Peach has been outfitted with tunes so that she and Ace will quit elbowing each other for forty minutes. We're walking in a long caravan around the circle that winds around our neighborhood. As we drift toward the three-quarter mark and round a parked car, a car comes down the road and gives a quick honk, I wave a big friendly Hi-Ho and Melee' says "Who's that?" "I think it was Miss Chase." John yells back over his shoulder "NO it wasn't!" "Well, we'll see if her car's there when we get home." We turn the corner to go up our street and as per the plan, we let the littles out of the stroller so they can join in on the exercise. Ace jogs the whole way home, on the center stripe of the street, falling only twice. We get home and sure enough Miss Chase's car is in the driveway. "Hmm" I puzzled, "do you think that car honked at us because they didn't see us?" "DUH MOM!" John answers.

Day Three:

Peel four sleepy grumpy kids out of bed by 6:15. I decide that if Melee' will ride his Razor scooter we'll call it exercise anyway. There's less talk, and less drag, they are excited we have the weekend off. I realize while walking behind Ace that he looks like a penguin when he runs. A really cute penguin.

Day Four:

Monday the holiday. We decide to leave the grumpy pre-teens home and go at a more reasonable 7:00. We have a totally enjoyable 40 minutes. Turn the corner for home, let the toddlers out of their buckles, Ace hits the pavement running and falls down after five paces and busts open his knee, because his mother forgot to put on his long pants. I rescue him and put him back in the stroller, right about the time two big labs accost us out of nowhere. Peach is screaming, Nana's panicking (wondering why I threw away that "Worst Case Scenario" board game) and the Chocolate Lab has Ace's foot in his mouth. In a playful kind of way, not a rabid dog kind of way. Nana takes over the stroller while I try to wrangle the dogs as she yells "PEACH, just keep walking. Quit turning around! No crying! No screaming!" I corralled the dogs in my back yard, where they remain.

Day Five:

Light sticks.

One broke before we got outside.

It was Melee's.

The second stick broke right as Ace starts his run for the house.


Full steam ahead....












loosing steam fast.....












taking a break on the curb....









view of a boy pushed to his limits, pulling on his Momma's leg beseeching her, "Hold me Momma, hold me."


Imagine the calories I've burned just writing this down.....

With a Face Like That...

LOOK AT THAT FACE! I CAN'T TAKE IT! CAN YOU? I mean, can you? Sure, he looks sweet enough. All fun and games, right? ABSOLUTELY! Like when he stalks me in the morning, before I've brushed the hair off my teeth, chanting relentlessly, "Momma. Momma. Momma. Momma. I want some meeeeaaaaalllk. I want some meeaalk. Momma, Momma, Momma, Momma..." Or when you come into the computer room to discover that he knows just enough to get to the SpongeBob SquarePants Download page on the Internet. Oh! And how bout when he takes off running out the door at the Mother's Day Out because he's small enough to duck under the clog of toddlers and Mommies and strollers and backpacks, and just as you think he's gonna stop and let you help him into his side of the car, he takes off running around the giant Suburban while you run after him screaming, "ACE! STOP!! AAACCE, I MEAN IT!!! THERE'S CARS IN THE PARKING LOT!!! STOP!" Each of you standing at opposites ends of the car doing the bob-and-weave trying to fake each other out. Then you're so tired that when you finally get him strapped in to his car seat, you let his sister give the lecture. "Peach, why do we not run in the parking lot?" "Because there are cars in the parking lot. And they could run over you. And you might want to hug Momma, but you can't, cause your dead." And also, now when you change his diaper, he fights you and yells at the top of his lungs, "DON'T TOUCH MY PARTS! DON'T TOUCH MY PARTS!" , due to a grab-handy pediatrician who went a little too fast during the examination of the privates and discovered Mom wasn't being as arduous in some of the bathtime requirements as might be necessary. And so you spend a good thirty minutes of your day begging for forgiveness for being a total looser and "I'm NOT going to touch your parts, please keep it down honey, the neighbor's can hear you."

Oh don't get me wrong, he still lets me play "tickle your nose with my nose" and gives kisses when you ask and says "I want to hug you." in this cute little way that sounds like he might be an immigrant who just learned english, or Dracula. Still, he's prone to throttling his sister, throwing blocks and has a wicked pout face with crossed arms. But today I found where he hid my memory stick. I guess I'll keep him.

WWWOOOOOOOHHOOOOOOOOOO

John brought home his report card today....

Put your hands in the air..
and swing em like you just don't care....
all A's and B's ....

Emm-hmm. It's MY birthday...

COME ON YA'LL...IT'LL BE FUN!!! I know ya'll want to ride the roller coaster with me!!

JUMP ON!! JUST DON'T LOOK DOWN!!!

WWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Thursday's Love is....

Love is ...

A baby brother to chat with and give orders to, till he's had all he can take and shoves you down.

A big sister to lean on and laugh with till, she gets too bossy and you have to shove her down.

Visit Karen at Chookooloonks to add your link and check out other contributions...

Grains of Gratitude

As we sat on the couch Friday evening I said to Charlie, "Oh! I've got to start the dishwasher! Help me remember this week that the house doesn't get clean by magic!"

I'm pretty spoiled. I get one kind of relief when Mom's here and then another when Charlie gets home. It's like being halfway on vacation all the time. When she's here, we get up in the morning and I feed the kids, get them dressed, make their lunches, gather their papers, and make sure they get to school on time (or not) and by the time I get them all out the door, I go upstairs to find that my Mom has...

*made all the beds
*gathered all the kids dirty clothes
*started a load of laundry
*put up the dishes out of the washer
*and usually has started vaccuuming

I'm usually the one who cooks dinner, but while I get the kids ready for bed she puts up leftovers, cleans the table and does the dishes. During any given week, I cook and herd kids, she does everything else. I'm not averse to helping in the household chore department, it's just that she's so fast. I sometimes have to result to going out and mowing the yard because it's the one chore she hasn't gotten to first. I lost out on the yard last week, as she slipped my neighbor's yardman some cash to do it first.

Charlie gets here and I immediately start yawning. Not that I find him uninteresting, quite the opposite, but my tired mind instinctively knows it's okay to sleep now. He won out in the motorcycle department and we went to the track Saturday morning. We took a break and went to Melee's baseball game, where he scored a homerun off of a strike-out. I'm really not sure how that happens, but I'm told it's perfectly legal. Then back to the track to drop off Charlie and the boys, but the boys ended up pooping out and came home with me. When Charlie got home and saw the chicken nuggets I had in the oven, he got out the lettuce and fixed us a Chicken Nugget and bacon bit salad. Then he put the Littles in the tub. This week is gonna be WAY too short! The housework can be a drudgery but the Littles can be emotionally draining. Then he suggested he could take Peach and Ace to California when he goes at the beginning of November, and I said "Are you trying to KILL me?" Three weeks without Him, Peach AND ACE? In a perfect world it's the stuff day dreams are made of. In the real world I have to start considering Al Qaeda and Bird Flu. Plus the Bigs would have a COW! Well, November is a long way away and I've got a LOT of things to be grateful for today!

How 'bout you? Tell mum2brady at Brady's Bunch.

Rest and Relaxation

Just thought I'd let ya'll know that Charlie's home and I think we're gon zzzzzzzzzzz
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Flexing My Freedom (to gritch)

To help Annie at yerdoingitwrong celebrate her hundredth post today, (CONGRATULATIONS!) I thought I'd play along with the horoscope game, as we both seem to be in the same kid of mood. Seems that Scorpio and Pisces must have something in common today.

Pisces:
What you have wanted is finally coming -- you just have to make sure to wait for it.

Overview:The stars say you should act now, or this little spate of boredom could become a regularly scheduled part of your programming. Expand your horizons so you don't feel stifled by your day-to-day routine. Find ways to flex your freedom.

Yes, I'm waiting on Charlie, who's on his way home tomorrow evening and I'm on my last leg. I told him Krull was going to want him to go riding motorcycles on Saturday, but he's going to have to figure out how to fit four of us on it, because Peach, Ace and I are gonna be on him like gorilla glue. Every night for the last week as I try to extricate myself from their room we have the following routine...

"Night-night, love you guys, sleep tight."
"But Momma? Momma....um why do I have that picture on the wall."
"Because Nanna gave it to you. Night-night, get some rest."
"But Momma? Momma? Um ... um ... why is the sun down?"
"Because it's tired. No peeps now. Night-night."
"WAIT! BUT MOMMA!" Bursts into tears, "I miss my Daddy!" sob sob...
Zachary: sniffle* sniffle* "Me too."

The stall techniques are always different but the end result stays the same. It's all about Daddy.

And as for my "little spate of boredom"..

Monday was Truth or Consequences with John's teachers where I wrote them to see how far behind he was. Scheduled him to go in early on Wednesday for "Interactive Notebook" help. Played hookey from BoyScouts. Baseball practice was a rainout.

Tuesday was dueling Dr.'s appointments for Peach and Ace. She had to get four shots. I usually take their hands and kind of gently lay over them, like you would when you give them a bedtime kiss, that a) blocks the view of what's going on and b) keeps them from jumping up and bolting for the door. By the time the nurse was on the second set of shots, Peach was purple and screaming at the top of her lungs, "GET OFF ME!! GET OFF ME!!" Then Ace had to have one shot. Both were supposed to pee in a cup, only Peach could be talked in to that circus trick. And then they both had to have a finger stick for cholesterol screening. Both are in the 90th percentile for height and the 95th percentile for weight. (As have been all my kids, despite the fact that we don't drink juice and we're currently down to 1% milk.) Then dropped John off for Orchestra lesson and had to have my brother pick him up as I had a Faith Formation meeting. I've signed up to be a Parakeet (better known as a paraclete or teachers helper) for eighth grade on Sunday nights.

Wednesday Mom and I trolled some New Model Homes as she tries to convince herself that she wants to move down here. She does want to come, just not on her budget. We went through this sub-division she keeps eyeing, but we think the neighbors don't seem to be doing a good job keeping up their yards and landscaping. As we turned the corner Mom said "Oh LOOK! SILK FLOWERS IN THE FLOWER BED! SHAZAM!" Okay, that made me laugh. Picked up Peach from school, had a nap and then found out John has six papers outstanding in the "Interactive Notebook". Melee' had a baseball game at 8:00. We wrap up at the batting cages and we head over to the ballpark when my brother calls, stranded in a restaurant parking lot when his truck won't start. So I leave Melee' at the gate with his team and turn around and head back in the direction of home. Get Krull and his posse dropped off and zoom back to the game. Game wraps up at 9:40. Because the adults agreed that it was too late in the evening, we did not have snacks and drinks after the game, which in turn sent Melee' into tears. "Well, I played so much baseball, I'm hungry again!" So I stop at Wendy's, cause I'm a soft touch, easily done in by crocodile tears. By the time we get home, get him showered and both of us in bed, it's 11:00.

And here it is Thursday, is it Thursday already? I wake up with a headache, Melee' wakes up on the verge of tears because he's tired. Ace wakes up whiny, Peach wakes up talking, and I can't get John to wake up at all. To top it off, I have MS. NO, no no, not multiple sclerosis, just PMS without the P. So I'm walking around all week long with this nasty attitude that I KNOW is so ugly and unattractive but still, I can't quit glaring at people. I'm dutifully taking my high-blood pressure medicine. I've upped my caffeine intake, I've added chocolate, two Extra Strength Tylenol and in a desperate attempt to make my headache go away, I stopped into Starbucks and ordered "UM...a grand-ay mocha frappachino light thingy." I'm probably going in the wrong direction with my headache remedy. But tomorrow, I'm hoping to expand my horizons so I won't feel stifled by my day-to-day routine...

Wish me good luck with that...

Cheap Shit Ain't Cool and Cool Shit Ain't Cheap

THAT...is my brother's motto in life....

....THIS... is his new Yamaha 450

This is the conversation we had when he brought it over for me to see...

"Yeah Dude, it's really loud! It's not like those motorcycles that go wheeng, wheeeng, wheeeng, wheeng! It's more like BLAPT, BLAAPT, BLAAPT!!"

"Yeah, Charlie's is more wheeeng, wheeeng wheeeng!"

"Yeah, mines a REALLY loud BLAAPT, BLAAPT, BLAAPT! My neighbor's are gonna hate me."

"Shoot!"

"Yeah, shoot!"

Melee' is Ten

Well in typical middle child style, Melee's birthday was overlooked again. Not to say that I forgot his birthday...just that it was hard to work in.
He was born ten years ago on September 15th at around 6:45 p.m., right smack in the middle of the Dallas Cowboy football game. You must be thinking, "Wow, you must be a huge Cowboy fan!" Nah, but Charlie is, and I remember that I could hardly get him out of the car and away from the radio play by play.
This middle boy of mine was three days late and when he decided to show, he was in a big hurry. By the time I realized it was serious it was too late for the epidural.
"What?!"
"Sorry, we just don't have enough time for the bag of glucose to empty and the anethesiologist to get here."
"Charlie! Reach up there and squeeze that bag!"
But three pushes later, we were done.
He was a tougher baby. He didn't like his swing. He got colicky every afternoon till about 8:00. I would try everything...the walking, the bobbing, the rocking, the football hold, the tummy over the knees swing, the patting, and ultimately, the Daddy pass-off. Every night, like clockwork he would stop around eight. When John was a baby and he started moving his hands with excitement, he always looked like a conductor of a symphony. Melee' always looked like he was riding motorcycles. He's a boy's boy. He has his mom's temperament and freckled skin. He has his Dad's love of noise. He's grown up to be the easy one, and by virtue of his easy-ness, he sometimes gets the short end of the stick. He works hard in school and cares much about what we think. He currently has a passion for all things baseball and my birthday wish for him is that for the "fall ball" season, he gets to knock one all the way to the fence and that we all get to be there when he does. He deserves it, as does any ten year old boy who will let his Mom kiss him in front of the other boys.

*Melee' is ten, but this picture was from when he was five. That darned memory stick!

Adventures in Homeschooling the Prologue

As if I were not totally up in arms to begin with, the following conversation insued last night around the dinner table.

“So John,” I said, “What did your Counselor talk to you about the other day.” (As per my instructions, after our last conference.)

“She talked to me about my locker route and she agrees with me. I can take everything with me and not make a stop at my locker for now, later on, if I feel like I need to, she can help me find a time to stop.”

Irritated that the school counselor has decided it’s cool with her if he schleps all his stuff plus his lunch box around with him for eight hours, I said “Oh? What else did ya’ll talk about?”

“I told her how you want to homeschool me because you don’t think the teachers are doing their jobs.”

Me totally redfaced and choking on my cream gravy, “What?! I didn’t say that. Did you tell her I said that? I didn’t say that the teachers aren’t doing their jobs!”

“Yes you did. You said that you could do a better job than Ms. Krebs.”

“NO I DIDN’T! YOU DIDN’T SAY THAT TO THE COUNSELOR DID YOU?!”

I’m so totally screwed.

ORDER UP!

I'm not a sunny-side up girl. I don't roll out of bed whistling a tune, ready to meet the day. So things took a turn for the worse this morning, when the counselor called me at 7:00 to cancel my conference with John's teachers.

Last week when we made the appointment for this week, I was already stressing a little because now we're four weeks in to the school year. Turns out she had a sick kid today and had to stay home. Can't really fault her for that. She can't reschedule for next week because she's out of the office all week. So by the time I get to conference with the teachers, John will be holding his first report card.

It gets me seriously riled up.

Bad Momma says: "Homeschool. Just go down there and take him out of that damn public school! Bunch of paper-pushin', "too busy", no pencil-sharing, idiots."

Good Momma says: "Patience. He did fine on his progress report. Mrs. Reisenhoffer said he was a "hard worker". Haven't seen those two words in conjunction with John. Right? Patience."

Smack-talking Momma says: "Okay, maybe you're too dumb to homeschool him. Private School. You could go over to St. Edward's and have a look. A good Catholic education, just like you and Charlie."

Wimpy Momma says: "Um, I'll take a pass on that last comment. Even if you go over to St. Edward's, they're just gonna tell you what you want to hear, because they want your money. And you're currently driving all the money you've got."

Tough Momma says: "Oh if I could just get my hands on that Orchestra Teacher! Here you were, thinking this Viola was gonna be the answer to ALL your problems, and you heard what the private lesson teacher said...those pieces are too complicated for him. He's getting left behind in ORCHESTRA baby, now what you gonna do."

"Shut UP! Just SHUT UP! I'm gonna think of somethin', if you'll both just SHUT UP!"

My mind is sometimes a dark and scary place. I try not to let the girls go at it too often, I'm usually able to strike a happy medium, but today we are hard scrambled.

New and Improved

Now if only I had something to say!
Thanks Susie @ Bluebird Blogs!

September 11th

On September 11, 2001

I was standing in my living room in Forney Texas with the television tuned to Good Morning America. They broke into the broadcast with the news of an airplane hitting one of the Twin Towers in New York.

I thought for a moment that a small Cessna had hit the building. And as I stood there, trying to gain some kind of perspective, I watched the other airplane plunge into the side of the other building. Charlie had only been gone from the house for a few minutes and I called him immediately and he turned around and came home. John was already safely in his second grade classroom. Melee' who was then four, was occupied with breakfast and toys. And I continued to stand mesmerized in front of the television holding Peach, seven months old inside my tummy. Charlie came in and joined me and we watched horrified as the events of the morning played out across our television screen.

I cried a lot of tears that morning and in the days and weeks that followed. I said a lot of prayers. I didn't know anyone who was directly affected by this tragedy, that eventually affected us all. I can't for a moment pretend to understand the grief and the loss, it overwhelms me. I hope you'll join me today and read some stories honoring the people that lost their lives five years ago today. My friend Harmonica Man at View from the Cloud wrote a tribute to Denease Conely. It is a beautiful place to start.

And this post from my friend One Tall Mamma is a lovely way to end.

Grains of Gratitude

While doing some Blog Browsing today I came across this at Brady's Bunch via Big Blueberry Eyes and decided this would be a nice post for my Saggy Baggy Attitude today. It's a list of 5 things I'm thankful for.

1. Rain, which cancelled baseball practice and allowed us to have an entire weekend, together.

2. My Mom's chocolate birthday cake.

3. Another opportunity to try and sleep.

4. The paycheck that was supposed to be direct deposited on Friday, but because of an error would't get here till Monday, that came Saturday.

5. Family. The four that drive me crazy. The three that have moved right down the way. The one who is sleeping on my couch. The one who is on his way to Dallas for two weeks. The two that he'll take out to dinner when he gets there. The numerous ones I'm beating at fantasy football. :) The ones I married into. The ones who never email. :)

Yes, all in all, a saggy baggy list, but I was able to name five. That's a start.

Chevy Suburban, The Official Car of Babylon

Yep, we got a gigantic Suburban. One of the reasons I'm hesitant to drive it is because I'm afraid I'll look like a Babylonian. "Hey! Look at me! I've got a SUBURBAN! A NEW 2007 SUBURBAN! Nyeh, nyeh, nyeh nyeeh, nyeeeh!"

In my defense, when we went to go test drive them. The Salesman walked up, took a look at all the kids, and said "Wow! A family who really NEEDS one of these things." So there.

Number two in my defense, is that I tried to get Charlie to look at a Toyota Sienna. Really. I did. I kept showing him online, how great they were. Pointed out the gas mileage. And the price tag. But he wouldn't even test drive one. Well, he said if I just HAD to, he would go drive one, but it wasn't going to change his mind.

Third in my defense is that we got the LS, cloth seats, regular wheels, nothing blingy about it. Plus, I'll be driving it for ten years, so you guys will be runnin' around in some nice new something or other and I'll just be plodding along in my 8 year old dinged up kid hauler.

However, least you think I'm being a bit too defensive.


HEE- HEE, LOOK AT IT! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! IT'S SO SHINY AND NEW AND IT HAS NEW CAR SMELL INSTEAD OF OLD MILK SMELL! AND IT HAS AN ONSTAR BUTTON AND IF I GET INTO ANY KIND OF TROUBLE, ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PUNCH THAT LITTLE BUTTON AND PEOPLE WILL RUN TO MY AID! THE RADIO TELLS YOU THE NAME OF THE SONG AND THE ARTIST THAT SINGS IT. THE CAR TELLS YOU THE TIRE PRESSURE, HOW MUCH FURTHER YOU CAN GO WITH THE AMOUNT OF GAS YOU HAVE IN THE GAS TANK, WHAT KIND OF MILEAGE YOU'RE GETTING, WHAT THE TEMPERATURE OF YOUR TRANSMISSION IS, AND IT EMAILS YOU REPORTS! DID YOU HEAR THAT? IT EMAILS YOU REPORTS!

Charlie had to go out of town this week, and with my brother's trailer full of stuff in my driveway, I've just been driving my Mom's car. Wednesday after we moved all Krull's stuff to their house, I called Charlie and said "The trailer's gone ... now I can get out the Suburban and start driving it..." He said "YOU BETTER NOT! DON'T DRIVE IT WITHOUT ME!" Yesterday, Krull asked me to go shopping with him because he wanted to get a new T.V. for their house, so I said "I better bring my car, in case you buy something. You don't want it in the back of your truck." We got to the store and he ended up buying a 47" LCD t.v. that was so big it wouldn't fit in the back of my car! So we had to go back to his house and get the truck after all. On the way he called Charlie and said "Dude! I can't even get my T.V. in your fancy new car!" and I could hear Charlie yell "WHAT!? Ya'll better not be driving my new car!" and then he said "You don't need a T.V. that big!" After we got it loaded and were driving back to his house, we were stopped at a stop light and he said "Look! Those people are lookin' at us saying 'Wooo! Look at that T.V., it's the shee-ite!" and I couldn't help but giggle.

So maybe we're part Babylonian. But for the record, I wouldn't have bought a T.V. that big. He's just showin' off.

The Roundup

Perhaps you stopped by earlier and found my children had posted a first draft of my post 6 times.....
(Evidently some of you commented on those, and after I deleted them, I couldn't post your comments, woops!)

I have no time or energy for complete thoughts so ....

Fantasy Football - I GOT BEN ROETHLISBURGER BABY! Although I hear he just had his appendix out. But I also got Clinton Portis, Edgerin James, Drew Brees and Mike Vanderjagt. Pa-DOW! Go CRYBABIES!

Krull and Zoey and Zoey's Mom - Closed on their new house today and we went and emptied a full size U-haul truck with me, Krull, my Mom and Krull's wife. Two and a half hours. Who's your Momma?

John - Made an 80 on his Social Studies test that he didn't study for. I went and conferenced with the counselor today, all is looking good for now and we're conferencing with teachers next week to get them on board with my-way of thinking. Keep your fingers crossed. It's been my mission in life, since John was in Kindergarten, to get the schools to ban cut-and-paste for all age levels. I could be making headway.

Melee' - Starts fall baseball tomorrow with his usual team. This season he's a Diamondback.

We bought a new car last weekend and I'm too scared to drive it. I'm hoping Charlie puts the first ding on it so we can get this over with and I can feel free to do my thing. For now, it's daily wipedowns with old diapers and staring at it in the garage. Who knew three rows of seats was going to be scary.

Gotta go hit the showers, I smell, my new hairdo is ruined, and my back is starting to sing.

Additionally - MY DR. WILL WAS VOTED OFF AND I'M SO INCONSOLABLE. I DON'T EVEN WANT TO DISCUSS IT! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! I MEAN IT! GO AWAY! (p.s. Survivor starts on the 14th :) )

I pledge allegiance to the inattentive and the lazy kids of America...

I nervously take a seat, I look around and shoot a tentative smile at the girl in the seat next to me. I know her, but she either doesn't recognize me or she doesn't like me. My mind always goes to the second option. Another girl in the class raises her hand and says, "Do you have an email address?" Mrs. Reisenhoffer cuts her off with a quick "Yes, I'll get to that in just a minute when everyone takes their seats." Crap, she's all business. I like a little humor with my Texas History. Everyone scurries to their seat as the tardy bell rings, and Mrs. starts her "Welcome to the class and these are my expectations ... " A minute passes and then she heads to her desk to pick up an example of the Texas History Interactive Notebook, and my heart sinks.

No, this isn't my recollection of my Texas History class, it's my son's Parent/Teacher night at the Intermediate School. After the announcement of another year of Interactive Notebooks, it was all downhill from there. The Interactive Notebook, you see, is a form of Cruel and Unusual Punishment for boys certainly, but for boys with ADD Inattentive Type in particular. The World History teacher last year, became my arch nemisis and it's not looking good for this year either.

This child of mine, you'd love him. He's great with adults. He's as smart as they come. He has a wicked sense of humor. I have pledged not to stay angry with him for the entire school year like I did last year. It's a pledge I don't know if I'll be able to uphold.

We get to Science where Ms. Carlie, who is young and really nice, starts off by saying that the thing they are really working on these first few weeks has been respect. Respect. R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what it means to... ahem. Respect for each other, respect for themselves, respect for other peoples property. I look at the others sitting around me. Is my son in a class full of hooligans? Some suck-up Dad jumped up at the ring of the bell and introduced himself and thanked her for blah blah blah. I lagged behind being the shy kid and said "Um, Ms. Carlie? I'm John's mother. " She nods in recognition "That whole thing with the notebook tests?" She nods again and slowly closes her eyes, she already knows where I'm going. "Um, John has trouble with the organizational aspect. Can I bring him early for help with that, rather than the material?" "Yes. Sweet kid." she replies. Two down, two to go.

We get to Math and Mr. Smith is standing outside the door to greet us and shake our hands as we walk in the door. Definitely outside of the normal protocol. He starts his seven minute speech and in bops this chick with big blonde curly hair pulled off her face with a clip being perky and "Ohmygawd I'm sorry I'm late." chewing gum in her sparkly too tight "look at my titties" shirt and I may as well be back in junior high myself. GadZOOKS! Mr. Smith pauses only slightly before returning to his monotone "..the kids and I are adding and subtracting integers and yesterday we went out in the hall and walked the numberline. We walked up the numberline, and down the numberline as we added and subtracted integers. Then we came back in the room and I gave them blocks to stack as we added and subtracted integers." Crap! Is my kid in remedial math and nobody told me? Another glance around the room at the parents.

And lastly English. Finally somebody in my class that I know! I saved Chase a seat and we whispered about how exciting it was to be in class together. The teacher had good energy but was quick to explain that the kids were really in for it this year. Last year they had two class periods for English/Language Arts but this year they have to pack it all into one class time and our kids have it the last period of the day, when they're all tired and ready to go home. She started talking about how "I know you won't believe this, but some of your kids are going to tell you that they don't have any homework, but they're wrong. We have two vocab words everyday that we write down. They have to know the synonym and the antonym, how to use it in a sentence and the definition of the word. They should be bringing those home to look at everyday. They should already have about sixteen words." Chase had seen the look on my face and it's all she could do not to bust out laughing, and it's all I could do not to kick her shin under the desk. This shit's not funny!

I got home around 9:00 and went up to kiss the boys goodnight. "John, do you know you have a history test tomorrow?" "Yes." "Did you study?" "Mom. I know everything." "Did you read the chapter?" "Yes." "Did you do the study guide?" Pause. "Yes." (Can't look me in the eye.) "John? Did you finish the study guide? Don't lie to me." "Well, we didn't have time to finish it. (We) Mom! I know everything for the test." "Do you have your Science tabs set up? I don't remember signing her set-up guide." "You did, it had a fish on it." "Is it set up?" "Oh, I don't need to do that."

This would all be a lot easier if I could just go and do it for him. If it weren't for Orchestra, I'd homeschool him. Luckily the school is selling Otis Spunkmeyer Cookies this year. I'll be laying in my supply of Pity Party Peanut Butter and Gourmet Turtle Chocolate cookies. Because I'm nothing, if not supportive.

Proof of the Existence of the Stubborn Gene

Tuesday was Bible Study. Peach and Ace go to "school", while I go do my Beth Moore thing. Well we have Church at our Parish on Sunday, they have "nursery". Then there's Mother's Day Out at a different Church and Tuesday Bible study at yet a third. So there's always a question of which "school" they're going to today.

As we got ready for Bible Study on Tuesday Peach asked, "Can I take a friend" (Read stuffed animal)
"No baby, we can't take a friend today."
"Why not?"
"Because we don't want to loose it."
"I won't loose it."
"We're not taking a friend today."

Later, putting on shoes, "Please can I bring a friend?"
"No baby."
"Well last time I took my doodle bear."
"I know, but the teacher asked us not to bring toys."
"Why not?"
"Because they have their own toys they want you to play with."

While putting in ponytails, "Could I just bring this smallest puppy?"
"No Peach. We are not bringing any toys today."
"Can I bring it in the car?"
"I guess so. You can bring it in the car but not inside."

While walking to the car, "When we get there can I just take it in the building?"
"No, remember, we can't take it in."
"But could I just take it in and then put it in your purse?"

I make a full stop, turn around and look down at her and said, "Baby, why are you so set on taking that toy inside the building?"
"Because you're being boss of the toys."

A Random Bitch

I had one of those days.

It was all good. Went to Walmart, remembered things I didn't have written down. Resisted temptation and ate lunch at home instead of drivin'-thru. Had my dinner planned. I don't know what happened.

I looked up and it was 2:00 and I didn't have the wonder-twins down for a nap and I was running out of time fast. And then it just snowballed down the hill from there. Melee' and Zoey got home and I'm trying to crack down on the snack-fest that's been happening every afternoon, which drew immediate tears from Melee'. Peach got up on the wrong side of bed, which is the side she layed down on. She and Ace fight over this one stuffed dog. It belongs to Ace. He and Melee' got these matching puppies in there stockings a year ago, only Ace's is smaller than Melee's. So by virtue of it's smaller cuteness, it's the one Peach just has to have. And of course, because it's the thing she desires to have most in the world, he's not giving in. She went to nap with the words "But, that's the puppy IIIIII want...." (sob..sob) and woke up with the words "Why does he always get that puppy?" (sob...sob) Ace woke up crying as well saying "She blahblah * indistinguishable mumble* and she push me." Of course she was downstairs at the time and he was safely tucked in his crib.

I went in the kitchen to police Snack-fest and start my dinner and I'm busing plates and cups and drinks and yelling "AT THE TABLE! YOU HAVE TO HAVE THAT AT THE TABLE! BRING THAT BACK IN HERE! NO EATING IN THE LIVING ROOM! IF ANYBODY ELSE TAKES ANYTHING ELSE TO EAT IN THE LIVING ROOM YOU'RE GETTING A SPANKING! I MEAN IT! YOU SPILLED WHAT? WHERE WERE YOU! I TOLD YOU TO SIT AT THE TABLE!" And during my fourth whirl through the living room I find yet ANOTHER apple with two bites taken out of it, then, as I turn back into the kitchen, there's Ace standing on the chair that I keep taking back to the kitchen table, eating another bite out of A DIFFERENT APPLE! I might have said a curse word under my breath. (and so did you after you read that huge run-on sentence)

The capper was Ace standing at the top of the stairs yelling for me by my first name (cause now he's heard Zoey saying it) at the top of his lungs, like a mini-Marlon Brando screaming 'STELLA! STEEEELLLLLAAAA!!!" I made him march to the kitchen, got down to his level and said "My name is MOMMA, don't you call me Geraldine any more, do you hear me?" Head down, "Yes maam."

Jet Ski For Sale

I've never been a big fan of the water. Maybe it was the fact that I grew up in the Panhandle, where pools were few and far between. Maybe it was the swimming lessons at the Y that my mom made me take when I was about six. I don't remember a lot of things about my childhood but I have a VERY vivid memory of the leafy swimming cap she made me wear to classes I didn't want to be taking, where people made me put my face under the water. Maybe it was her water phobia that I unknowingly inherited.

I remember after Jaws came out at the theaters, I started having nightmares about sharks in the swimming pool, bathtub and toilet. I didn't even see the movie. Didn't need to. Going to the Lake has always been ify business for me at best. I even had the opportunity to snorkel in Hanama Bay in Hawaii after I graduated High School. Five minutes of fighting off hyperventalating in knee deep water, and I swam right up to some idiot who was throwing bread in the water, next thing I knew, a school of fish swam at me and I shot three feet in the air and high stepped it to the beach in record time.

When John was eighteen months old, his Dad got a wild hair about a Jet Ski. We went to the dealer and as we're impulse buyers, we left with a three seater Tigershark 900. Although it seemed like a fun idea, I knew it was never gonna happen for me. The first time we went out to the lake, he drove and I rode with a vise grip around his waist, choking the life out of him. It was one of the scariest things I'd ever done. Then he let me drive.

I was a bad ass, or at least I imagined I was. I needed a tatoo because it was just like riding a motorcycle, only in the water where it wouldn't hurt if you fell off. I hauled, I swerved, I splashed, I sprayed, I had the time of my life. We packed up John and toys, and swim diapers and went skiing on the "play-play" as many weekends as we could for the next couple of years.

Life happens, three more kids and although we still have the Jet Ski I can't remember the last time we took it out to the lake. We've never taken the time to find a place around here to put it in. This weekend my friend emailed me this :

This picture was taken by a KTBS helicopter flying over Lake Conroe ! (For those of you who are not local, Lake Conroe is in Conroe , TX .) That has to be a HUGE gator to have a whole deer in its mouth! Are you ready to go skiing on Lake Conroe ?! If you ski at the west end of the lake -- try not to fall.

This man is 6'5" tall.

1997 Arctic Cat Tigershark Jet Ski with Trailer for sale. $600. Pickup only.

Charlie's home.

See ya'll next week.