Terms of Service

Charlie's home again. This was week number four of his - "three weeks on the road, one week off" schedule. He's just home for the weekend and gone again Sunday night. He's on track to continue this schedule through Thanksgiving.

I'm being a trooper. That's my official position. I haven't complained at all, as far as I know. We've been very busy the last week and it went by very quickly, or so I thought. This morning however, when Charlie came downstairs, Ace took him by the hand and walked him around the house reintroducing him. "Dis my butta Jim-my. Dis my butta Tie-da. Dis my horsie. We hab lot's and lot's of Ice Keem in da little feeza." (So I'm drowning my sorrows in Blue Bell, get off me.)

I just got wind last night that the powers that be, may be considering extending his stay past the three week mark.

To Whom It May Concern,

It has come to my attention that the aforementioned schedule for updating systems in the branches may be extended in some areas. I think this is a fantastic idea, as I feel nobody is as qualified to meet these challenges as Charlie. However, there will be extenuating circumstances and terms that must be met. Namely, hush money. I require an amount that includes, but is not limited to:
The cost of taking four children to 2 movies per week including cost of popcorn, drinks and candy.
Tickets to one Astros game for seven. (My niece is staying with us)
Un upgrade in pay equal to half the cost of an eight passenger (white) Toyota Sienna.
Local delivery of a case of BlueBell Ice Cream in assorted flavors, all including some chocolate, per pay period.
Membership that includes daycare to LA Fitness Sportsclub or the Y, your choice.
Roundtrip airfare for 5 to California for one of the weeks Charlie is there.
Lawn service contract for such period of time as the schedule exists, including tree trimming services that will allow clear view from my Dish to the Satellite.
Various gift cards to local restaurants.
An email from you, one per week, commending me on my patience and fortitude and making sure there's nothing else you can do for me.
Loan of your fiercest negotiator on staff, to go with me to any and all parent/teacher conferences.
A pony.

I feel these demands, while extensive and outrageous are equal in nature to the length of time and intensity that we're missing our Charlie. While no doubt, he is a valuable commodity to the company, his continued absence here at home could send me over the edge.

Making you an offer, I hope you can't refuse,
Charlie's Wife